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Hello all you Bears. This is Theorhetical.
Sorry it has taken me so long to write since I left, starting right when I left things went from bad to worse and then worser still, and I didn't want to write until I could actually say something, but every day my situation and my prospects changed, and I just didn't know what to say. Before I cover that, though, I wanted to re-address how I left. Firstly, I am very sorry about leaving the mess at the gatehouse, I feel really bad about it, in that, I think it may have given people the impression that I was like "fuck this place, I'm outta here", which is totally not what I was intending. It was completely inconsiderate of me, though, and I apologize to everyone there, especially anybody who had to clean up after me. I also want to apologize for how I basically disconnected from the Bear once I got word that my friends were in trouble. It really ruffled my feathers but I think I gave off the impression that I did not value the people who were right there at the ranch. It may not have shown but I was really falling in love with everybody there, and I miss you all very much. I'm not an easy person to get to know, and I'm sorry about not being more open and communicative, especially toward the end of my stay. One of my main personal missions for being there was to change these character flaws that make me so difficult to communicate with, but once a little bad news came for me I reverted to my normal routine of isolating myself and doing things on my own.
So, my intention when I left was to just get back to Portland, find my friends, tell them about how absolutely wonderful Black Bear is, and then bring back with me. Well, getting back to Portland became a nightmare ( I strongly suggest that you never enter Redding unless you know, really know, that you can get out ). I was completely ripped off for my books, 45 dollars for 213 books. I was then stuck there for 2 and a half days, which left me with about 25 bucks by the time I got to Portland. This made it absolutely essential that my friends come back with me, or at least bring me back, but, truth be told, I've lost those friends. As some of you know, the reason they were in trouble was for drug dealing, a path they had chosen to continue with in stead of coming with me to the ranch. I figured it would be abundantly clear to them (now having been jailed, coming very close to spending multiple years in prison, and, in contrast, hearing from me first hand about this beautiful, amazing place where we could all be free, actually free, from all this bullshit in society, with amazing people, real people, not defined by money or products) that they had chosen the wrong path and were now being given a second chance to make it to the Bear. Unfortunately, I learned, instead, that they were really just humoring me all along. I'm not going to go in to the details, but, I pretty much lost out to drugs and money, and can't really say that they are my friends anymore. Anywho, this left me stranded in Portland, which is way better than Redding, but, still stranded.
So, I started to try and get some things, i.e. some money, together so I could get back to the ranch. Having started out with 25 dollars, things weren't going to be easy. I was basically completely dependent on my mom, who lives on disability, so there was nothing extra to put together for even a bus ticket. Having made the journey, and being it was summer time, I at first figured I might as well make it worth my, and the Bear's, while and get some crap job, pull in maybe a grand over the summer and come back to the ranch with some supplies, and, of course, some treats. Well, Portland has the worst job market in the country and, since I am homeless here, and have very limited choice when it comes to sustaining a job, I was shit outta luck. So, as the end of summer approached I figured I would just grab what I could carry, hop a train or hitch-hike, and somehow, someway, make it back. So, then my mom gets bad news. She's been diagnosed with Pick's disease, or Frontotemporal Dementia. Now, my sister has been taking care of my mom, who has been on disability for many years, but, it turns out that she, my sister, has been waging some sort of psycho-emotional warfare with my mom this whole time. My mom first started talking to me about it after she was diagnosed with Pick's, being afraid that as her mind starts to deteriorate, my sister would take advantage of her. Learning about all this has changed many things for me. The main thing is, of course, I have to take care of my mom for as long as I can, which has a certain absurdity to it, since I am homeless and jobless, but, until she is eligible for more comprehensive care - she gets a visit from a nurse about twice a month, I'm all she's got.
I'm not sure why I am writing at such length about all this. It is important to me that you all know that the Bear is important to me. In a short amount of time there I regained a lot of love for life, and the knowledge that the Bear is there has helped sustain me through all of this. I know I'm not the Bear's favorite son, or anything, but I do love the Bear. I have this dream every once in a while that I bring my mom there for her last days. She takes lots of medications, lots, and there's an on going joke between us about her using medicinal marijuana. She says that she has a hard enough time with her weight, the last thing she needs is the munchies. I never tell her that I'd rather she be 400 pounds and happy then at "a healthy weight" and miserable with side affects, cause that would make her cry, and she hates to cry. But in the dream she lounges about, stoned off her ass, and well, that's most of the dream. At any rate, she would never come to the ranch, she loves her TV, and it wouldn't be any fun for her anyway. I'm not going to leave her and am going to have to stick it out out here in "the world".
I would really like to stay in contact with the ranch and the people I met there. I'm really not sure what is going to happen, still looking for a job and a place to live, but if anybody wants a pen-pal, that would be really nice. I will return there someday, I know it, but it may be a long time.
Peace and Love to You All
Theory
Sorry it has taken me so long to write since I left, starting right when I left things went from bad to worse and then worser still, and I didn't want to write until I could actually say something, but every day my situation and my prospects changed, and I just didn't know what to say. Before I cover that, though, I wanted to re-address how I left. Firstly, I am very sorry about leaving the mess at the gatehouse, I feel really bad about it, in that, I think it may have given people the impression that I was like "fuck this place, I'm outta here", which is totally not what I was intending. It was completely inconsiderate of me, though, and I apologize to everyone there, especially anybody who had to clean up after me. I also want to apologize for how I basically disconnected from the Bear once I got word that my friends were in trouble. It really ruffled my feathers but I think I gave off the impression that I did not value the people who were right there at the ranch. It may not have shown but I was really falling in love with everybody there, and I miss you all very much. I'm not an easy person to get to know, and I'm sorry about not being more open and communicative, especially toward the end of my stay. One of my main personal missions for being there was to change these character flaws that make me so difficult to communicate with, but once a little bad news came for me I reverted to my normal routine of isolating myself and doing things on my own.
So, my intention when I left was to just get back to Portland, find my friends, tell them about how absolutely wonderful Black Bear is, and then bring back with me. Well, getting back to Portland became a nightmare ( I strongly suggest that you never enter Redding unless you know, really know, that you can get out ). I was completely ripped off for my books, 45 dollars for 213 books. I was then stuck there for 2 and a half days, which left me with about 25 bucks by the time I got to Portland. This made it absolutely essential that my friends come back with me, or at least bring me back, but, truth be told, I've lost those friends. As some of you know, the reason they were in trouble was for drug dealing, a path they had chosen to continue with in stead of coming with me to the ranch. I figured it would be abundantly clear to them (now having been jailed, coming very close to spending multiple years in prison, and, in contrast, hearing from me first hand about this beautiful, amazing place where we could all be free, actually free, from all this bullshit in society, with amazing people, real people, not defined by money or products) that they had chosen the wrong path and were now being given a second chance to make it to the Bear. Unfortunately, I learned, instead, that they were really just humoring me all along. I'm not going to go in to the details, but, I pretty much lost out to drugs and money, and can't really say that they are my friends anymore. Anywho, this left me stranded in Portland, which is way better than Redding, but, still stranded.
So, I started to try and get some things, i.e. some money, together so I could get back to the ranch. Having started out with 25 dollars, things weren't going to be easy. I was basically completely dependent on my mom, who lives on disability, so there was nothing extra to put together for even a bus ticket. Having made the journey, and being it was summer time, I at first figured I might as well make it worth my, and the Bear's, while and get some crap job, pull in maybe a grand over the summer and come back to the ranch with some supplies, and, of course, some treats. Well, Portland has the worst job market in the country and, since I am homeless here, and have very limited choice when it comes to sustaining a job, I was shit outta luck. So, as the end of summer approached I figured I would just grab what I could carry, hop a train or hitch-hike, and somehow, someway, make it back. So, then my mom gets bad news. She's been diagnosed with Pick's disease, or Frontotemporal Dementia. Now, my sister has been taking care of my mom, who has been on disability for many years, but, it turns out that she, my sister, has been waging some sort of psycho-emotional warfare with my mom this whole time. My mom first started talking to me about it after she was diagnosed with Pick's, being afraid that as her mind starts to deteriorate, my sister would take advantage of her. Learning about all this has changed many things for me. The main thing is, of course, I have to take care of my mom for as long as I can, which has a certain absurdity to it, since I am homeless and jobless, but, until she is eligible for more comprehensive care - she gets a visit from a nurse about twice a month, I'm all she's got.
I'm not sure why I am writing at such length about all this. It is important to me that you all know that the Bear is important to me. In a short amount of time there I regained a lot of love for life, and the knowledge that the Bear is there has helped sustain me through all of this. I know I'm not the Bear's favorite son, or anything, but I do love the Bear. I have this dream every once in a while that I bring my mom there for her last days. She takes lots of medications, lots, and there's an on going joke between us about her using medicinal marijuana. She says that she has a hard enough time with her weight, the last thing she needs is the munchies. I never tell her that I'd rather she be 400 pounds and happy then at "a healthy weight" and miserable with side affects, cause that would make her cry, and she hates to cry. But in the dream she lounges about, stoned off her ass, and well, that's most of the dream. At any rate, she would never come to the ranch, she loves her TV, and it wouldn't be any fun for her anyway. I'm not going to leave her and am going to have to stick it out out here in "the world".
I would really like to stay in contact with the ranch and the people I met there. I'm really not sure what is going to happen, still looking for a job and a place to live, but if anybody wants a pen-pal, that would be really nice. I will return there someday, I know it, but it may be a long time.
Peace and Love to You All
Theory
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Portland
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